Happy Halloween!

It's Halloween today, but you might not know it from hanging out at Health South Harmerville. It's pretty boring around here on the weekends.

Where to begin? I spent a really long time in a dark place after my mom died. I had a lot of nightmares and I just missed her. I also really missed my dad, who quickly found someone to fill the void in his life. I felt like I had lost both my mom and my dad. I engaged in quite a bit of maladaptive coping (I'm using therapist lingo), which only complicated things. I had a serious "wake-up" in November of last year (2009) and worked really hard to start making changes. I stopped drinking completely.

Employment was an issue. I was not making the money I needed to make and I became fairly resentful about the organization for which I worked. In February of this year shortly after the anniversary of my mom's death, I was hired as a therapist for a community mental health agency that provides services to the GLBT and HIV+ community. Though often overwhelming, it is a great job and I am very lucky to work there. I started shortly after one of the worst snowstorms Pittsburgh had ever seen. I had to dig my car out...or more accurately, climb on top of the car and push the snow off! It was a sight...let me tell you!

Summer brought my dad's wedding, which was difficult. My gram said to me the night before the wedding, "Emie...I just wish you could drink alcohol because I think it would help!" Oh Grammie...(who was tipsy) for me, alcohol is not the answer...not for me at least.

Summer and fall also brought death and injury. I mentor a little girl whose older brother was murdered. Two months later, her mother, who was a good friend of mine died as well. It was like watching my mom die all over again.

And finally: the most recent events have been the injury of my foot and ankle and the subsequent surgery on my left foot. Now in a wheelchair, I am learning quite a bit about what it means to rely on others. It becomes very clear who your friends and supports are. Sometimes friendship and support comes from the most unexpected people. I am grateful for them, and a little sad that people I thought I could count on are very much absent currently. But what do you do? You accept it and move on. And you do as much as you can for yourself...even if means wheeling yourself around in a wheelchair and doing PT exercises while in bed.

More to come later. Stay tuned!

blogging revisited

So I am revisiting the art of blogging. I suddenly feel like I have a lot to say...perhaps to no one but myself. So write I will.

The last couple of years have brought intense pain and also great joy...sometimes simultaneously. I lost my mom and several other people with whom I was close. I have dealt with health problems I knew about and health problems that have only recently been diagnosed. I injured myself severely, and most recently, had surgery to fix this. I lost a job and got a new job. If you plug all of these things in the stress index screen, technically, I should be dead. But I'm not, and that makes me very happy.

I am learning to rely on other people to help me, as right now I cannot even get to the bathroom without a wheelchair and someone to help me transfer. I have a big, black boot cast on each foot and sometimes I also have support straps on my forearms. I am the epitome of fashion right now. And I am very grateful that I have a lot of skirts.

I have lost my faith in God and found it again. My new job has been wonderful and has re-affirmed my faith in humanity. My support system has expanded in some ways and drastically shrunk in others. When my mom died, my dad chose a new wife, and so I chose a new mom. Mama Jeanie is wonderful and I am so glad that I am the 12th child she and her husband Bill adopted. I stopped attending the church I had attended for 8 years, and lost that community of friends. I did start attending a new church, and I like this church so much.

I have learned a lot about myself...about why I feel so overwhelmed sometimes. And because of this, I am less overwhelmed. Although sometimes I am lonely, I am okay and strive nearly every day to be more okay.

I believe that I will struggle somewhat as I continue to heal from my injuries and surgery. And so, I will write. If it helps one person, and that person just happens to be me it will be worth it.

Peace be with you...and with me too.