head and shoulders knees and toes

I am tired of being tired and in pain...and obviously tired of not sleeping at night. My brain is racing right now. It is (would be) my parents' 32nd anniversary this weekend. My dad is spending the weekend with my brother and me, but things seem very different somehow. Things are very different. I wonder if Dad and Cindy have an anniversary yet. It doesn't really matter to me--not yet anyway. I just hope that if they get married that they don't have a summer wedding.

My hands and knees are aching badly this early morning. Yesterday, I was trying to figure out what to wear to Vanessa's wedding...I really want to wear these bright green and white shoes with a white layered islet skirt and a bright green top. I know I need to wear a dress, but I'm so afraid that it will be uncomfortable on my skin.

Mostly I just feel stuck....in grief...in illness in lots of things. I want things to be better now, but I know I have to wait.

No church today

I got up to got to church today, and by the time 11am rolled around, I wasn't ready--I felt awful, and bagged the whole idea and went back to bed. I slept for 6 hours--and really slept--not just dozed--hard, deep sleeping. Even in my worst of tireds, I haven't been like this...not for three days at least. Tomorrow I have PT at 7am and then I work from 1pm-7 or 8pm. Probably not the best idea, but it's how things worked out.

I felt like such a heathen today--couldn't get to church--angry--sad. It seems like I was just starting to know who I was, and now I have no idea anymore. I don't think I am bitter, but I have been told that I am.

I want to feel better. I want to be a better person.

My writing is grey/green...to match the colors of the outdoor environment today. Independence Day...I wish there were more things from which I was independent. I don't want to feel this way anymore. And I wish that I wasn't alone today. Two more nights until I'm awake all night. Maybe this month will be different.

I am extremely tired today...much like yesterday with similar amounts of pain and similar blood sugar readings. This is not a fluke. It's real...I am going to have to test, take pills or insulin and count everything I eat. I had just gotten away from that. I always thought "Wouldn't it be ironic if I got diabetes after working in the diabetes department?" Do not think these things--ever.

The Journey Thus Far

So this is the beginning of the middle of what will hopefully and wholeheartedly be the end. I have been essentially "disabled" since February with an enigma or enigmas of ailments that are not making themselves terribly clear. I have pain and stiffness every day, every night...all the time. Sometimes it is manageable with the narcotic painkillers and muscle relaxants I am prescribed, and sometimes I am in agony despite the medication. In addition to the joint and muscle pain, I have edema in my hands and feet--especially in my left foot. It is beginning to become painful.

Those who know me know that I lost my job in September of last year, was date raped 2 days before Christmas and that my mom died on February 7th of this year. It's been a hell of a year.

In addition to the joint pain, I have asthma, IBS, fibromyalgia, migraines, anxiety, depression and in my clinical opinion, PTSD. I'm not crazy. I used to think that I was, but I'm not--I have endogenous depression--chemicals in my brain that do not function as they should. I need medicine to correct this--just as someone with a hormone imbalance would need hormones to correct that imbalance.

Most recently, I am staring diabetes in the face. My blood sugars have not reached 200 yet, but they are getting there. I'm trying to accept that this is likely inevitable, and working to figure out options as far as how I might want to manage it. Also, my doctor feels that I have other endocrine issues going on--likely hormonal--adrenal in nature.

I work about 13 hours a week--a little more if you count the extra work I have to do. I also volunteer...but most of my time is spent going to doctor's appointments, doing physical therapy or resting...lots of resting.

I am weak. I am worn. I am tired. I pray that this can be figured out--I am so frustrated and so tired